How Ya Doin’?
Breaking the Ice With Trauma Survivors
When speaking to someone who has endured unimaginable loss, simple questions can evoke complicated responses. I once met a woman who lost all her children in a freak, catastrophic disaster. Several weeks had passed since the tragedy, and the tone of her voice indicated she had worked through the initial shock. A lawyer joined the conversation and asked, “How ya doin’?”
A procession of microexpressions swarmed across her face. At first, she seemed annoyed; I sensed she considered saying “fine,” but the word failed to materialize. Instead, her eyes widened as grief poured into her open heart, which she abruptly closed. Then, momentarily enraged, she opened her mouth. I expected her to say that her soul has fractured, joy has died, and each day mocks the hope she had as a mother when her children were alive, which now feels like the shadow of a dream. But she swallowed her words like a round glass marble, lifted her head, and said, “It’s been hard.”
No kidding.
Personal injury lawyers work with survivors of life-altering catastrophes or the families of those who have died horribly. That means dealing with people whose worlds have been shattered. You don’t need to ask how they are doing. They’re doing bad.
When you ask someone in trauma how they are doing, you’re asking them to think specifically about their grief, make an assessment, and then decide whether to burden you with an uncomfortably honest answer or to lie for the sake of polite conversation.
Most people aren’t sincere when they ask, “How ya doin'?” Have you ever asked someone “How ya doin’?” and they offered an incongruent answer to a different question and said “Not much.” It’s just a thing to say, social babble, a generic greeting. It’s a very low-context question that often doesn’t warrant a coherent response. A good advocate, however, is not interested in having a low-context relationship with the families they represent. There are better ways to break the ice when speaking with a trauma survivor.
One lawyer I admire simply says “I’m glad to talk to you today” when beginning a conversation with a client. It acknowledges and honors their presence and conveys genuine interest in what they have to say. Most of all, it relieves the client of any pressure to formulate a sophisticated response. They can simply say “thank you.”
It is entirely appropriate to ask specific questions to engage and build rapport. If they were recently visited by family, by all means, ask how the visit went. If you know they had a specific appointment with a doctor, that’s fair game and relevant to the case. The important thing is that the question is sincere and doesn’t prompt them to revisit their trauma. If we are going to lead them back to the tragedy, it should be done strategically and deliberately to serve the case. Moreover, we should ensure they’re mentally prepared to speak about it.
There is a time and place to explore trauma. As a litigation consultant, I produce mediation documentaries that examine how a catastrophic injury or death has impacted the families we serve. While recording interviews, I ask each family member to talk about their experience. I ask them to remember the worst day of their lives. As part of our practice, we schedule these sessions well in advance. We record in their home or another place where they feel comfortable. We give ourselves plenty of time, and they have family nearby for support. People are grateful for the opportunity to open up and discuss their pain in a context where they don’t feel they are burdening the listener. They find it cathartic.
When the recording ends and I switch off the camera, I notice them relax. Although they appear exhausted from the emotional and psychological effort, a wave of relief washes over them. I’ve just been through a very painful personal journey with them. They’ve shared things with me that they’ve probably never spoken out loud. At that point, I want to make sure they are alright. Because my question is specific to their current state, sincere, and grounded in context—and because I’ve earned it—I’ll ask: “How ya doin’?”